One of the best coaches I ever had told me this:
“If your life doesn’t work, it’s because you suck at making requests.”
Oof. Truth bomb.
What I didn’t realize at the time was how much there is to learn about making a truly effective request, one that honors the other person, myself, and creates actual opportunity.
Here’s what not to do when making a request:
1. Pretend like it’s no big deal for the other person.
No one likes being undermined for the time, energy, or emotional labor it takes to do something for someone else.
Even if it is easy for them, it doesn’t mean they want to give it away just because you need it. Honor the effort it might take, even if they make it look easy.
2. Bury the request in a long-winded story.
Few things are more draining than listening to someone talk and talk… only to realize:
Oh no. They’re warming me up to ask for a favor.
It doesn’t feel generous. It feels manipulative.
I personally find it way easier to say yes to someone who is direct—who owns their need without making me wade through a lot of context first.
3. Get weird when you hear a “No.”
We’ve all been there—cringing when someone sulks or spirals after a decline.
Statements like, “I’m sorry I even asked,” can feel like emotional blackmail.
When we can’t receive a no without making the other person feel bad, we’re not really making a request—we’re making a demand in disguise.
4. Act entitled to being helped.
I once heard someone complain about a wealthy friend who didn’t help them financially.
Here’s the thing: just because someone has more doesn’t mean they owe you.
A lot of people who look “well-off” are carrying their own burdens, or have worked incredibly hard to get where they are.
Entitlement is never sexy. No matter where it comes from.
So… how do you make an effective request?
1. Know why you deserve to be supported.
Do the internal work first.
If you can stand in your own worth, you won’t need to prove, plead, or over-explain.
Deserving isn’t a story, it’s a state of being.
2. Honor the person’s consideration, not just their answer.
The fact that someone is even taking the time to consider helping you is already something to value.
Ask in a way that lets them feel their time and energy matters.
3. Be clear and direct.
Don’t make people fish for the point.
A clear ask is a gift, it gives others the ability to quickly assess if they can help or not.
4. Be okay with any answer.
Let people know you’ll love and respect them either way.
True requests offer full freedom in the response.
5. Consider what you can offer in return.
Even if it’s not a tangible exchange, it matters to reflect on what’s in it for them.
Sometimes it’s just the satisfaction of helping or being part of something meaningful.
That counts.
We can’t do it alone.
And nobody owes us.
If we can hold those two truths in our hearts, we’ll start making requests that feel like honor, not obligation.
And that’s when everyone wins.
